I dare call it humor

It's a slow, party cloudy, 42º Fall afternoon and I've got a case of brain slowdownedness so, I'm cleaning out a file thingie (click 'em if you can't read 'em.)

Evolution of Man

Latest addition to my Bucket List

Anything else turns up, I'll pass it along. Enjoy the rest of your day.

Joey B. steps on his Hoohah. Again.

This is the National Debt... $16 trillion

This is the National Debt on Joey B's Steroids... $500 trillion

Joey B. don't do Math.

There are days I miss Texas

US Air Force Humor

"With All Due Respect . . . ."

A C-141-A Starlifter had been delayed for take-off for over an hour at Thule Air Force Base, Greenland*, because a sewage repository had not been pumped out.

Finally a young airman wanders up to the aircraft with the approprirate equipment. The airman fiddles around for a while, does his thing, and then gets ready to leave.

The aircraft commander, a young captain, confronts the airman. "You've caused me to be two hours late for my take-off. I'll see that you are not only reprimanded, but punished as well! "

At that the young airman, smiles. "Sir, with all due respect, I have no stripes, I'm stationed at Thule, Greenland, it's 20 degrees below zero, and I'm pumping s#!+ from your aircraft. Just what kind of punishment did you have in mind? "

* Thule (pronounced toolie) Air Force Base is the U.S. Armed Forces' northernmost installation, located 750 miles north of the Arctic Circle. February averages as the coldest month (-19°F) and July the warmest (45°F).

Can we talk about Candy Corn?

Or continue talking about it. (Oreos post)

The history... Other vegetable shapes -- including turnips?

Video... Behind the scenes at a candy corn factory.

Recipe... Yellow and orange gel paste?

Decorating with it... Deck the halls with.

The price range... Gourmet version?

The nutritional value (maybe you'd rather not know)... It has calories?

Message in a Bottle

A boy and his bottle message

No, not the the movie or the song. But a real-life tale of a 9-year old boy finding a real-life bottle with a real-life message.

The youngster was walking on the beach near his home in Ireland and found a 2-liter bottle with a message inside.

“The message in a bottle had been pitched into the water in 2004 by two

Canadian girls on vacation along the Saint Lawrence River in Quebec.

It had taken eight years to travel some 2,500 miles before washing ashore

near the tiny village of Passage East in County Waterford, Ireland.”

The e-mail address in the message no longer worked, but as word of the bottle got out, the two girls heard their bottle had been found...

Tuesday night, Oisin sat down to chat with them in a much

more modern way—online, via Skype.

"Bonjour!" he said cheerily, before showing them their old note

and the crushed, green plastic bottle he found it in. The young

women leaned in close to their computer to get a better look.

The story links to another, about a 98-year old message in a bottle being setting the world record, but the link doesn't work. This one does.

 

220.5 mph on a Texas highway... Smokie approves?

You buckled up in there?

This follows up my post about the new stretch of Texas highway where you can legally haul-it at 85 mph...

High-performance tuner John Hennessey found a way to show off one of his latest projects and help the Texas Department of Public Safety test some of  some of their equipment at the same time.

“...Texas authorities let him take a full-speed blast down the state's newest

toll road outside Austin that opened today, one that features an

85-mph speed limit. It's just long enough for the 1,200-hp,

twin-turbo Cadillac CTS-V coupe to hit 220.5 mph.”

“...might have done 230 mph had he been granted another mile of tarmac.”

Man, talk about haulin' it!

What could a pro footballer making $3.8 million a year (+bonuses) possibly want?

Cheaper this way, Chris.

FREE BEER!! Why not? What the hell, put it in the contract demands negotiations. See if it flies.

He didn't get it. Oh, well, maybe next year, Chris. Now go play football. And buy your own 6-packs. Jeeze.

The criminal mind strikes again

A weapon of choice

The headline, Jailers worry about dental floss as a weapon got my attention. Not that I'm concerned about/particularly interested in the subject, it just made me think of Dillinger's bar of soap trick and I got curious.

“When a group of New York prisoners sued last month to demand access
to dental floss, officials said they had to consider "security issues." As it turns out, jail — 
and jailbreak — history is tightly tangled with the stringy decay fighter.”

There's that “mind” at work... 1) Use the prison library to learn law. 2) Use the law to get what you need for an escape, sewing up wounds, choking a fellow incarceratee, whatever. Pure genious.

Lead plaintiff Santiago Gomez said the jail was "violating inmates' federally protected
civil rights by not allowing inmates access to dental floss, while acknowledging
that it will result in cavities if you fail to floss your teeth."

Oh, yeah. I remember that particular “federally protected civil right.” I don't remember the federally assigned number, but I think the federally assigned title was “Assisting the Incarcerated,” and dental floss was enumerated. I remember that part. In particular.

The other uses for this everyday item, in the jail house, are unbelievably creative.

Once again, one thing leads to another...

15 Incredible Escape Tools Made by Prison Inmates (with photographs)

and

Top 10 Most Incredible Prison Escapes (from some really tough places to get out of)

Like they say, what could these guys accomplish if they put their creativity to work in a legal way?

The State Department thinks there may be a security problem at U.S. diplomatic facilities aound the planet

U.S. Embassy guard

A security problem? At U.S. Diplomatic facilities? Gee, what was their first clue?

"The review follows September’s deadly attack on a U.S. consulate in

Benghazi, Libya, and revelations there was no Marine Corps presence at the compound — 
or anywhere else in the country — when heavily armed attackers laid waste to the facility,
killing U.S. Ambassador J. Christopher Stevensand three other Americans."

Oh, that might be the clue. Duh.

"Marine Corps officials say there’s been no call to boost the size of its Embassy Security Group.
But when asked if the State Department is assessing whether the number of Marine security
guards needs to increase, a spokesman for the agency indicated that remains to be determined."

Yeah, State's (Hillary's folks) gotta get that “determining” thing taken care of. You know, committees, Power Point presentations, graphs and charts, meetings, discussions... that stuff.

Momma's got a whole lotta $$$

Money? What Money?

Not the most startling news. A lot of Mommas have a lotta $$$. But, this particular Momma is the Momma of the Leader of the People's Republic of China! You know, the nation of over a billion folks. The majority of whom live in poverty. Even more than in the US.

A little background...

“The mother of China’s prime minister was a school teacher in northern China. His father was ordered to tend pigs in one of Mao’s political campaigns. And during childhood, “my family was extremely poor,” the prime minister, Wen Jiabao, said in a speech last year.”

School teacher? (and not even a Chicao school teacher at that) Pig farmer during Mao Tse Tung's reign of terror? A lot of questions come to mind. A lot.

Just one investment in her name, in a large Chinese financial services company, had a value of $120 million five years ago, the records show.

The details of how Ms. Yang, a widow, accumulated such wealth are not known, or even if she was aware of the holdings in her name. But it happened after her son was elevated to China’s ruling elite, first in 1998 as vice prime minister and then five years later as prime minister.

The story goes on about most of Wen's family tree becoming wealthy, hidden funds, offshore manipulaions, etc. And this $$$ doesn't seem to be the kind made “the old fashioned way – earning it.” No, “They didn't build it,” they stole, syphoned, kick-backed, loop-holed, and generally used whatever Mafia-like techniques required to pile it up.

There's a long, long list of behind the scenes financial doings in the country we're shipping boatloads of our cash to every day. I liked the ending...

The prime minister’s supporters say he has not personally benefited from his extended family’s business dealings, and may not even be knowledgeable about the extent of them.

Last March, the prime minister hinted that he was at least aware of the persistent rumors about his relatives. During a nationally televised news conference in Beijing, he insisted that he had “never pursued personal gain” in public office.

“I have the courage to face the people and to face history,” he said in an emotional session. “There are people who will appreciate what I have done, but there are also people who will criticize me. Ultimately, history will have the final say.”

Sounds like something you'd hear from one our own politicians PR reps.

Beetle mittens? What a bunch of crap!

The object of our attention.

Maybe I should have used another word. How about pasture lilies? But mittens and Dung Beetle's? Give me a break.

I've seen the little bug. I've watched it do the job assigned to it by Mother Nature. I understand its role in Life. What I don't understand is why some scientist would want to put a pair of mittens on one. Why/how would this idea even come up in the crazy world of science. That's the thing about scientists. They are wild and wacky thinkers.

Jochen Smolka, Lund University, Sweden, is studying the bug Scarabaeus nigroaeneus in Africa.  He's "... found that their dung balls aren’t just take-away meals—they’re also portable coolers." So now, besides mittens we've got air conditioners? Read on.

"Smolka placed dung beetles and their balls in a sandy circular arena, etched into their

natural habitat. If he shaded the arena so it was cooler than 50°C, the beetles rolled

their balls out without pause. On hotter ground, their front feet can heat up by as much

as 10°C, and that triggers them to climb onto their balls. Here’s where the adorable

green mitts come in—if Smolka placed these on the beetles, their front feet didn’t

heat up, and they were less likely to climb onto their balls."

So we know. I still want to know how he; 1) Made the mittens. 2) Got them on those tiny little feet. No mention was made. What a way to make a living, huh?

Today (in history), a cash crop was born

Movies, movie re-makes, books, other books, a tourist stop, memorabilia, re-enactment shows, and on and on.

Shootout at the OK Corral. The story's been told, re-told, embellished, distorted and to this day no one knows, absolutely, what happened.

This is NOT how our Founding Fathers envisioned our voting process. This is NOT what our military sacrifices to preserve!

In Florida, Virginia and Indiana, voters have received phone calls that

wrongly told them there was no need to cast a ballot in person on Election Day

because they could vote by phone.

In Ohio and Wisconsin, billboards in mostly low-income and minority neighborhoods

showed prisoners behind bars and warned of criminal penalties for voter fraud - 

an effort that voting rights groups say was designed to intimidate minority voters.

Who the hell are these people who think they can do these things? What kind of mindset generates this despicable behavior?

Got 5 min:17 sec? Want to watch the "Libya Bump" unfold? With a preface by ex-President Clinton?

"President Obama and his administration have failed to give the American

public clear answers on the terrorist attack that happened on 9/11 in Benghazi, Libya.

This is a timeline of the events that occurred surrounding the attack on U.S. soil at

our consulate in Libya. It's been 40 + days since the attack with no clear answers

and no clear leadership from President Obama."

It's on this video.

File this under "How Low Can You Go?" (no, this isn't about a limbo song)

Maybe a Bimbo song? Young lady made an ad for The Prez. She seems to be talking about THE "first time." No, it's not actually THAT "first time."

At the link there's mention of (and links to) a "similar" ad for Mad Vlad. Yeah, the KGB Commie.

No mention as to when/where it is/has/will run(ning). My guess... MTV.

I find 'em. You read 'em. Or don't

Gloria Allred shot down in court... Bye Bye October non-disclosure-Surprise

Congressman Allen West discussing Tingles Matthews... "I don't know if he has gotten off of his medications."

In October?... Surprise endorsements for The Prez?

Former SEALS weigh in... "Bump in the road"

Obama didn't kill that... Panetta did

If "the rest of the world" could vote, they'd choose Obama. Bad news? Good news? Should I even give a ____?

Not a BBC chart

According to a BBC World Service poll (there's that word again)...

An average of 50% favoured Mr Obama, with 9% for Mr Romney,

in the survey of 21,797 people in 21 countries.

They put together a confusing, to me, set of colorful charts, but I don't see any details about Who/What/Where stuff. Just like most of our (USA) pollsters.

Shuckin' 'n jivin'

Sometime back in the 50's, in Memphis, TN, was the first time I heard the phrase. It was used by a Black male describing a scam run on Black families by another Black male. It had no racist meaning to me. I had no idea where he got it but, in the context used, I understood it completely. No interpretation needed.

As years passed I continued to hear it and even used it. Still, not even a hint of racism arises. And it was always understood.

Enter today's whiney, touch-feely, can't we all just get along journalists and their Dictionary Code Book of Racist Words and Expressions, Abridged Version.

The most recent victim target vile Anglo-Saxon perpetrator of crimes against the Ethics Standards of Usage of the English Language According to the Liberal School of Journalism is Sarah Palin. She used the aforementioned phrase. And the slings and arrows were brought forth and placed in use. Like Texas (or, as she calls it, "The second largest state."), you just "Don't Mess with Sarah Palin." She fired back.

"For the record," Palin wrote on her Facebook page, "there was nothing remotely racist

in my use of the phrase 'shuck and jive'—a phrase which many people have used, including

Chris Matthews, Andrew Cuomo, and White House Press Secretary Jay Carney to name

a few off the top of my head."

I'm not a huge Palin fan, but I do admire folks with Grit. And the lady got grit.

I've been known to use the phrase most often when chastising my daughter Piper to stop

procrastinating and do her homework. As she is part Yup'ik Eskimo, I'm not sure if this term

would be deemed offensive when it's directed at her or if it would be considered benign as in

the case of Chris Matthews' use of it in reference to Rachel Maddow. Just to be careful, from

now on I'll avoid using it with Piper, and I would appreciate it if the media refrained from

using words and phrases like igloo, Eskimo Pie, and "when hell freezes over," as they might be considered offensive by my extended Alaska Native family.

There's more at the link and a few more links.

BTW, she also used a Yiddish term, "shtick." Since there's been no furor raised, I'm assuming there is no "Standard" for words, terms or phrases which might be considered Anti-Semitic.

I surf. I copy. I caption.

These originated from Radio Free Europe's picture of the day page.
Click to enbiggenify.

Somebody yell "Hands behind your head? We bein' busted?

The counterfeit new I-pad is available today at the counterfeit Apple store in China.

Ok, back to the drawing board.

Modern day David, in Syria, takes on Goliath Assad.

Michelle who's in charge of cafeteria menus now?

Point that thing my way, Grumpy, and I'll bust a cricket paddle on ya'.

Golf has Birdies, Eagles, Albatrosses and now, Sharks! (not the Greg Norman variety)

Leopard Shark. In its usual surroundings.

"... a 2-foot-long, live leopard shark apparently plummeted from the sky and landed

very close to the 12th tee box at the San Juan Capistrano, Calif., course."

And the thing appears to have gained access to the San Juan Hills Golf Club course the same way those fowl do... it flew! (no mention made of Swallows)

Or maybe the thing was flown in...

"The shark, which reportedly had two bleeding wounds near its dorsal fin, is thought to

have been dropped over the golf course by a predatory bird, though no one is known

to have actually seen the shark fall."

Talk about "hitting the links." Bam! or Plop. What's a 2-foot shark sound like when it hits a lush, country club tee box from whatever altitude?

This Fish Tale has a happy ending.

Gentlemen (and ladies), it's Pedal to the Metal time!

Boogety, Boogety, Boogety! In Texas. On one highway. For 41 miles. And you've got to pay a toll fee. But, hey, it's still good. Right? (might catch on nation-wide?)

Texas opened a 41-mile stretch of State Highway 130 today with a new speed limit

of 85 miles per hour — the highest legal limit in the U.S.

The new stretch of highway, part of a toll road also called the Pickle Parkway between

Austin and San Antonio, is aimed in part at relieving congestion that is typical on

Interstate 35, the main road between the two cities.

Catch ya on tha flip side, good buddy!

Mr. Cool-in-Chief has a potty mouth!

My, my, how "Presidential" is this? The Liberal online site, Politico, offers up this tidbit...

FIRST LOOK – Rolling Stone cover, “Obama and the Road Ahead: The Rolling Stone

Interview,” by Douglas Brinkley: “We arrived at the Oval Office for our 45-minute

interview … on the morning of October 11^th. … As we left the Oval Office, executive

editor Eric Bates told Obama that he had asked his six-year-old if there was anything

she wanted him to say to the president. … [S]he said, ‘Tell him: You can do it.’

Obama grinned. … ‘You know, kids have good instincts,’ Obama offered. ‘They look

at the other guy and say, “Well, that’s a bullshitter, I can tell.”’”

Mr. Cool-in-Chief does an interview with another hard-hitting news publication

Rolling Stone. Not known to be in favor of Romney. To say the least. Oh, maybe that's why he agreed to the interview. Or maybe he was in a mood to reminisce about his "shroom" days. With folks who can relate.

The issue hits the newsstands tomorrow, if you're interested. The interview includes Mr. CIC's observations about Wall Street and the Fat Cats, and how the stock market system is just wrong. Or something.

Fat Cat

He then proceeds to deliver the campaign rhetoric we've all heard/read before. Not one single word isn't a repeat.

The story ends with this...

With Halloween approaching, Brinkley, in a lighter moment,

asked what he would like Romney to wear as a costume.

Lighter moment? The whole damned thing was light! As in Wimpy. Puffy.

 

“I don’t know about this Halloween,” Obama replied. “Next Halloween

I hope he’ll be an ex-presidential candidate.”

I do too, Mr. CIC. That would mean he'll be President, as in ex-candidate, and you'll be the Former President. As in no longer in office!

"The Perfect Storm" redux?

Sandy

Though still projecting several days ahead of Halloween week,

the computer models are spooking meteorologists.

Hurricane Sandy and an Arctic blast are forecast to collide during a full moon (high tides). In '91 they called the mixing of Hurricane Grace with a cold front "The Perfect Storm." The monetary damage was about $200 million. If the predicted forecast occurs, damage estimates are as high as $1 billion.

Adlai Stevenson was on to something

Communism is the corruption of a dream of justice. 

From a speech in 1951

Happy Birthday, Pablo!

Artist - Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

Live coverage of last night's debates

Did you really read that heading? I mean really, really carefully?

Wish I could take credit for it but, in keeping with our strict standard of Truthfulness (usually) I have to disclose it came from the Onion. They bill themselves as "America's Finest News Source." I call them one of the funniest/serious sites ever. They've been around longer than I can remember.

Foreign policy primer: Besides the US, there are 6 countries in the world.

They are Israel, Iran, China, Libya, Syria and Afghanistan.

That's the opening to their hilarious bit about the debates. It's done as a series of Tweets. If you read and don't like. Sue me. (Don't call Miz Allred. This ain't her kind of case.)

October Surprises, Nasty Divorces (is there any other kind?) and "Hell Hath no Fury"

A, what else, Press Conference

Mention that Lady Bottom Feeder Lawyer Gloria (I hate men) Allred and I usually go right into "not-paying-attention mode." The headline of a story I read a couple of days ago caught my attention and caused me to read it. Allred was filing an action to unseal court records involving a case Mitt Romney had testified in. Since her action was datelined October, the author called it her "October Surprise." As in, Trouble for Romney.

Ok, I read. And concluded Miz Allred had found some pathetic, bitter, grudge-holding divorcee (Maureen Sullivan) still seeking revenge on her ex and willing to be party to one of Allred's scams legal causes. Her causes always seem to involve women who don't care that Allred's only interest is TV face time, the accompanying ballyhoo the media willingly gives her and the increase in the fees that her notoriety allows her to charge.

Tonight, courtesy of Breitbar.com I've learned Miz A. has The Boston Globe newspaper and the Chicago Political Thugs Political Machine involved.

Mitt Romney testified for the husband, a friend, in the divorce case. Divorce granted. A lot of money in play. Lady got a bunch. For some reason the court records were sealed. Should be end of story. Not so.

"Even though a gag order makes it illegal for Ms. Sullivan to publicly discuss her case,

apparently this hasn’t stopped her online. Though more than a decade has passed,

Sullivan's used social media for years to lash out at her ex-husband, and especially

Romney, using details of the proceedings that you would think fall under the gag order."

The author, John Nolte, evidently spent a lot of time dissecting everything surrounding the "case." Kind of like a Myth Busters piece.

Only question I have is...

... can he GANGNAM?

Though I jest, this prototype version of a robot is serious business. Robots have been a favorite subject in sci-fi novels and movies forever. Engineers and science are bringing the fiction closer and closer to reality. The real and imagined uses continue to grow.

There's a video at the link.

Folks, they're serious about that slogan

Texas Attorney General Greg Abbot sent a letter Tuesday warning United Nations-affiliated

poll watchers that they do not have jurisdiction in the state and will, therefore, be criminally

prosecuted if they attempt to interfere at Texas polling locations on Nov. 6.

The letter, addressed to Ambassador Daan Everts, came in response to the announcement that

the Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe will deploy scores of election monitors

to the U.S. in an effort to monitor conservative groups for voter suppression or intimidation.

And the Governor, Rick Perry, threw his 2-cents in the pot.

Should you find yourself blessed and in the Lone Star State, enjoy yourself and remember this, they love their concealed carry law. And they carry. So Do Not Mess With Them, ya heah?

Donald, Donald, Donald. You've disappointed me.

The Donald. The angry pose.

Your "October Surprise" is soooo lame! I've been waiting, anxiously, for days. Thinking/hoping you'd actually dug up some dirt or ghastly fact about the Prez and what do you do? You announce an offer to write a check to charity if The Prez will do something you absolutely know he absolutely will not do. Ever.

And come on Donald, $5,000,000 (million)! Your net worth hovers at where in the stratosphere? $3,000,000,000 (billlion)? Good grief, man, that's Chump Change to you! (even less after allowable tax deductions)

What was this? One of your PR ploys? You looking to announce some new TV show or building soon and just thought you'd get a little pre-announcement face time on TV? Keep your name out there? Jeeze, Louise. This truly saddening.

What pisses you off?

Truth to tell, I have a long, long list. I found this today...

You can tell the size of a man by the size

of the thing that makes him mad.

Adlai Stevenson, during an address to the State Committee of the Liberal Party in New York City (August 28, 1952)

Maybe I should consider shortening my list.

I like this

Usually I ignore Jenny McCarthy

I exercised considerable restraint in choosing this.

However, I was lured/enticed/tricked into reading this while following the X-class flare post. Hell, it was on the Discover Magazine site! Not somewhere a person would go looking for Bimbo News. Talk about Bait and Switch, jeeze.

The headline (bait): Jenny McCarthy Infects Chicago. An attention grabber, right? Maybe she's got some exotic disease and she's spreading it city-wide?

The story (switch, which only lead to more bait):

"Splash, a style magazine in Chicago, is reporting that they’ve

hired Jenny McCarthy to be their new daily blogger.

But it gets better. And by better, I mean worse."

Yes, you read that right. It's about Jenny Baby's new blog. But look closely... More bait!

And more...  

"Besides a daily blog, she’s being given a weekly advice column called

'Ask Jenny", where, among other things, she will "tackle parenting'.

Tackle, indeed. Body slam is more like it."

Ok, I confess. My curiosity was now on fullt-tilt amokness. I clicked. And clicked.

If you'll read the original click (re: para 1) you'll find a plethora of Jenny-sniping and honest information.

Now, on to "Ask Jenny" (Who could possibly be asking What, I pondered.), where I found my curiosity sated. And my suspicions confirmed. (always a nice thing)

Q: How can I feel more confident when I’m naked?

— Alexandra B. from Naperville

How in the heck can anyone stay interested in

having sex with the same person for years?

Q: What’s your secret to looking good in pictures?

A couple of topic titles...

Are We Listening? (it's about self-help books)

Mommyhood and PMS: Uh-oh Tinkie Winkie 

Her column is new, so the offerings, for now, are limited. If you'd like to help her succeed in this endeavor by asking a question...

"Send Jenny questions at splash@suntimes.com!"