US Air Force Humor

"With All Due Respect . . . ."

A C-141-A Starlifter had been delayed for take-off for over an hour at Thule Air Force Base, Greenland*, because a sewage repository had not been pumped out.

Finally a young airman wanders up to the aircraft with the approprirate equipment. The airman fiddles around for a while, does his thing, and then gets ready to leave.

The aircraft commander, a young captain, confronts the airman. "You've caused me to be two hours late for my take-off. I'll see that you are not only reprimanded, but punished as well! "

At that the young airman, smiles. "Sir, with all due respect, I have no stripes, I'm stationed at Thule, Greenland, it's 20 degrees below zero, and I'm pumping s#!+ from your aircraft. Just what kind of punishment did you have in mind? "

* Thule (pronounced toolie) Air Force Base is the U.S. Armed Forces' northernmost installation, located 750 miles north of the Arctic Circle. February averages as the coldest month (-19°F) and July the warmest (45°F).

If you're not active or ex-military, you may not get it (the joke)

The US Navy believes in planning for unforseen eventualities

Today's modern, sleek Navy leads the world in cutting edge, technologically designed and equipped machines of warfare. There is no other navy that can boast of better equipment. While much of it is costly, it is effective and protects us from our enemies.

Because personnel of the Navy are far-sighted they plan for unforseen eventualities. They know "Stuff Happens." They refuse to be victims of Murphy's Law. Their planning frequently involves unique solutions. Creativity is usually called for. And our Navy has that in spades.

For instance: Modern Navy ships today are guided by a very sophisticated and complicated computer system. It's very important for these marvels to be guided accurately and correctly. If the Captain requires his vessel to proceed in the port (what we civilians know as left) direction, he orders the Helmsman to input data which will cause the ship to turn left. When a change of direction to the right is called for, he orders the Helmsman to input data which will result in the ship turning to Starboard (right).

After intensive studies, experimentation and investigation, a fiendishly clever and simple solution was found. It was deemed to be cost-effective.

New USAF Battle Dress Uniform (BDU)

Jimmy Buffett must have approved.

No, not for today's Airman, but at one time it seems the attire adorning the lady was actually in use. I found the picture and this...

"Washington (AP) The Air Force unveiled its new Battle Dress Uniform today. The utilitarian thing about the new uniform said Air Force representatives was that it has a built-in reversible Hawaiian shirt.

"This helps keep troops at the ready," said one Air Force Official. "If they are off duty they simply turn the shirt inside-out and come into work."

...on a Military News site. As near as I can tell, the uniform (without the shirt) was in use for about 3 years.

Marines test new helo camouflage scheme

You know them as fearless fighters. You know them as the first to be called upon when our nation requires a Show of Force. You probably don't know, though, that in the little downtime they have, they aren't just lounging around the barracks. Or tent.

As example I offer an example of their cunning ingenuity...

Problem:  Helicopters, when not aloft, require camouflage. Not satisfied with the run-of-the-mill paint scheme, an inventive Marine developed a diabolical pattern.

As seen from a distance.

As seen close up.

I found the pictures here.  The original poster noted that he thought the guy had been "staring at the back of a semi-truck for too long."

Semper Fi!

A little airplane humor

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing!

(Sign over the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan)

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.

(Paul F. Crickmore, test pilot)

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter – and therefore, unsafe.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.

 

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left anyone up there!

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries!

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible.

A pilot's job is very simple.... there are 3 lights on an aircraft, red on left wing tip, green on right wing tip, white on the tail..... Your job, as a pilot is to keep the plane between these 3 lights!!!!

(Sonny Kellum, Flight Instructor)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum.

(Jon McBride, astronaut)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you!!

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to!!

Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.

(From an old carrier sailor)

Military Humor

There have been a number of things photographed and videoed by military folks posted on the innernetz that have caused a lot of controversy. My military experience only put me in "harm's way" very briefly. From what I've been told and read, I can only barely imagine the stress these folks are under.

My impression of that stress causes me to think I somewhat understand their need to relieve the pressure. Their relief is often found in humor. At and among themselves, their situations and their living conditions. This video is just a minute, 33 secs. I had to stop and replay in a couple of spots so I could "get" the humor.

If you'll go to  YouTube and type Military Humor in the search box, you'll find hours and hours of clips.